Monday, July 21, 2008

"As days go by my heart grows cold"

or more correctly

As days go by my mind gets loose...

[Post-factum added disclaimer:
The following is just a stream of thoughts and feelings. It does not concern anyone but myself. If you wish to talk to me about it - don't. If you do not understand why then the ban is twice as valid for you. If you have an opinion on it - keep it to yourself.]

In recent days I start to doubt my sanity again and again, on daily basis. My emotional conditions decline and are already beyond the point of any control. I cannot force myself into any conscious decision on a grade exceeding "everyday stuff", i.e. I can decide which jeans to wear and whether I'd like Coke or orange juice but I have no idea about anything important - am I happy with my work? shall I continue to work here? am I still determined on living in Bulgaria? is there any hope for me in the self-appointed quest, as I recently start regarding my decision?

One thing is clear - it's not the lack of sleep which I usually blame for everything which is not OK in my head. I guess it's not even the weariness that's on me. I have already been in this perplexed state of mind before and I know that it stands on its own. I can't think straight... Cannot enforce my desires, wishes, decisions - nothing... I am just tick-tacking each day that comes, my mind stepping back more and more, receding to safer ground - old memories and states of mind and soul. I crave the feeling of those first nights at Kamen Briag when the four (and later six) of us were the only people on the shore, we walked half an hour for water and I was terrified by the night and the forces it set loose around me. That state of mind... No! Not mind - that state of my soul when it stepped back and watched my whole world being reshapen. It. Was. A. Bliss. A tortured one, but a bliss indeed.

I don't exactly know what is happeing to me. Maybe it's the stress of decisions hanging in the air for years, maybe it's my everlasting doubt, my inner battles which are more and more locked into a stalemate. I don't know what this is but it is crushing me like a bug under its foot. I am falling to pieces both mentally and emotionally.
A couple of days back we were at some stupid company BBQ at Vitosha. A colleague of mine had a brand new ant aquarium and had filled it with something like two dozens of ants. They were trying to get out by all means possible. Some were dying, their bodies falling on the ground twisted and crumpled. Others were frantically running around trying to find the way out. One of them had found one of the ventilation holes, too small for it to go throug and was trying to push its body throug it, antennas already out... It just smashed me to watch this. I almost had a meltdown. And I couldn't do anything - at least anything relevant. Due to "higher political interests" I couldn't just open somebody else's aquarium and set "his" ants free. The powerlessness...
I know, I know I shouldn't care and I know that it's not a big deal. The big deal for me is that this pushed me off-track, sending my emotional state in a suicidal spiral down. And I just couldn't help it! I could not control my own emotional condition! Over such a trifle!!!

I've already lost any interest in half the things I do each day - I am just going through the motions. I think I am just waiting for the big, massive, final meltdown when I will finally lose it and let everything out. I fear it's goiing to be devastating for my current life-setup and I'm, consciously or not, trying to avoid it at all costs. It looks more and more like I'm losing the battle.

The funny thing is that I am able to act normal some 90% of the time now - going to work, going to the wall, goiing to the rocks, climbing, communicating, making reasonable plans...

I think it's going to be at Kamen Briag when I'll snap. I don't know how I'm gonna handle people's reaction if that happens but... I don't think I'll have much control on it.

Actually I'm not exactly sure which is the better way - to hold it or to snap and decide it once and for all. But I don't think I already have any control over it. :)
Only time will tell, I guess...